Pushing people away by accident?

So the other night, I decided I needed to go out dancing - there were tentative plans to meet up with a girlfriend but nothing was solid. I decided to go on my own and see what's what. Ended up not meeting up with my friend - but instead jumped into a circle for colleagues I knew from school.

Anyways - all this means that I was in a dance club kind of on my own... a new slightly weird experience. On the dance floor I started letting loose, closing my eyes and moving to the music - letting go of stressful thoughts and being present with the movements and beats. It felt good!

Being on my own allowed me to look at the social dynamics on the dance floor in a new light... Saw this one girl just consume this guy with flirtatious looks - like she knew what she wanted and then she went and made him dance with only her. It was pretty impressive honestly - even though it was overwhelming to witness. When a shy guy was trying to come up to me - I waited for him to be direct and show his interest. I didn't want to play the role of the seductress - I wanted to be seduced... Since he wasn't brave enough to actually look me in the eye and get closer with movements - I stayed in my world of one and pretended I didn't notice his attempts of getting closer.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I pushed away a possibly a-okay guy for no real reason. I essentially built up this wall around myself and didn't let this guy in because he wasn't willing to put himself out there. I expect a lot from my partner - evidently, bravery is right at the entrance of my expectations. Should I try to explore ways to become the decisive woman on the pursuit? Should I follow the 'He's Just Not That Into You' approach of letting a guy be the one who should know what he wants and showing it? It's a tricky game with no real answers...

Readers - if you're out there - I'd love to see you weigh in with your opinion!

Me

I too have been doing a lot of reflecting about me time.  I've come to realize I don't necessarily always know how to make myself feel really good.  With that in mind, I'm noting things that do.The experience of living in London has definitely allowed for some change and reflection. The main things I've taken away is 1) I often give people the reaction they want at the expense of what I want or should do.  I hate to make others feel bad by saying no so I say yes and then feel drained after exhausting myself by running myself too thin. I was more aware of it here because I got accustomed to doing things on my terms, feeling rested, etc.  When a visitor arrived, my balance was off-set. I would lose sense of all that and respond.  I'm working on it because being well-rested and drama free is good for me and I enjoy it. 2) YET I need a good kick in the ass to get moving.  While spending time alone has been great, I've wasted time sleeping and resting when I should be getting motivated to explore.  I've learned doing things with someone who is interested in the same sort of things makes me feel good. I want to surround myself with those people 3) Bettering my mind is important to me. I'm starting to care about what is going on in the world. I want to be informed and able to contribute and have opinions about more relevant things 4) When I get back to NY, I want to get involved in volunteering at a charity. I recently had an experience of trying to connect a baby in need with a receptive hospital.  It changed me. I want to do more of that.

So maybe it is a good experiment because the reflection has been so valuable.  Even as I write, I see the barriers to my happiness really lie mainly in my actions and responses more than others.  Recognizing that and changing it will be the greatest me investment I've ever made.

Creative Juices

I need to start making art again.

I'm feeling the itch - spending most of my time supporting other artists only gets me so far and now I need to create something for me.

It's 10x easier to create things for others. In my life or my art - external motivators are always the most potent.

What type of work should I make? What thoughts do I want to surface above the rest? Not really questions anyone else can answer - but I'm officially accepting suggestions!

New Years check in

The end of the calendar year is always a time for reflection. For this moment, I’m looking back on the beginning of this blog and where we’ve come since our new years commitment. We wanted to write stories about what it means to take time for ourselves. Reclaiming the word selfish and taking pride in decisions that follow our gut while treating Me time as an almost sacred practice.

I can’t say I’ve stayed true to the original mission of this blog - - what it has been is an opportunity to reflect on the things that affect my life and the reality which is being a late 20 something woman.

Lots of entries have been focused on men, relationships and the difference between our connection to others and the connection to ourselves. The priorities we set for our time and the relationships we choose to cultivate. But the question that comes to mind for me now is – Am I really consciously focused on honoring my Me time?

Alone time and Me time aren’t necessarily interchangeable. I’ve spent more time on my own these past few months but I haven’t exactly been indulging myself in any special way. Things get so wrapped up with work and the new business I’m trying to launch, it’s easy to get wrapped up in external stuff. This is the stuff that’s easy focus on because it’s tangible and immediate. Me time is letting yourself take a step back from the easy time commitments.

So now, I’m going to raise my glass to myself! Cheers to my blog reading friends locally, nationally and internationally, people of all ages, genders and realities – cheers to you & cheers to remembering the importance of becoming a better person and raise our standards of quality!

5 things

This weekend, I reconnected with a friend who somehow slipped through the cracks. A friend who I adore but have lost touch with until recently - how great!

Anyways we talked about the concept of 5 things - A new one for me. The theory goes that you can only be good at a maximum of 5 things at a time. As soon as we get carried away and try to do more than 5 things really well - the other things suffer and we start spreading our talents too thin.

This concept inspired my friend to really think about his 5 things and embarked on a 6 month sex-fast where he worked on becoming a better human being. It's experiences like this that make us realize how much control we actually have over our own happiness. Right after this intense period of focus - he fell in love for the first time in his life - beautiful right?

I think my 5 things would be: to be a loving friend, to be a supportive family member, to be an independent thinker, to share my creativity generously, and to constantly explore my capacity for spirituality.

What are your 5 things?

my birthday suit

In my first 3 months in London, I ate, drank, and was merry.   I also busted out of a pair of jeans and wiggled into one too many skirts. Alas, it was time to get fit.  So I joined a gym.  Surprisingly, despite moaning in pain today, this has been a great experience.  Not only because exercise lifts my mood and trims my waistline; but also, because I'm starting to feel better about getting naked in front of other people!  That's right, you heard it, naked... in front of other people!  

At first I was surprised at the nudity in the locker rooms yet slowly, but surely, my comfort level is evolving.  I eased into it in the steam shower yesterday and felt pretty good unhindered by a towel. The true expression of progress today was when I bared it all in the sauna- no steam to protect the bystanders from my curvy bum!  Seeing those women of so many different shapes and sizes be so comfortable in their skin inspired me to appreciate what I have and let loose a bit.  Here's to taking it off!

Waxing and Waning

In my logical brain, I know that everything follows a cycle and there are constantly ups and downs to the things we experience. When personal relationships are at a height of splendor - often professional satisfaction will not be so great and vice versa. Even though the logic of the waves makes sense - I can't help but to want it all...

My good friend May and I once celebrated our unity in being Insatiable - proud of not settling. There's something to be said for wanting a lot out of life and being stubborn about seeking out the good stuff. There's also something to be said about knowing when to stop searching and start appreciating the goodness right in front of you.

Sometimes it's hard for me to really see my life in a positive light until someone else points it out. The simple statement "you're really living right" or my grandmother's most recent comment, "I don't worry about you" can go a long way to help me recognize the up side of my reality. Somehow it's easier to focus on what's lacking rather than our richness.

What helps you appreciate the ups in your life? Do you have any advice for keeping yourself up when your in the middle of a ocean wave of reality?

Taking care of Me - both inside & out - single & not

I'm noticing strange differences about the way I'm able to take care of myself when I'm single vs. the times I have a partner. I have more time on my hands to do the little things like remember to eat well, moisturize and take vitamins when I'm on my own. At the very same time however, I seem to be more critical of myself and worry about my waist line more than I should. Silly deconstructive doubt - Is this merely a by-product of having too much thinking-time on my hands?

It's easy to doubt my abilities and beauty when I don't have someone there as a comforting reminder. I wish I could wave a wand and make this go away - but alas I left my fairy wings in a different galaxy.

Critical thoughts can push us to become better humans - constantly striving to overcome hurdles.... BUT it can also push us over the edge when it is applied to subjective things that are out of our control... maybe the goal for this week is to be aware of my tendency to look down on my physical appearance and instead apply this energy to improving my inside persona...

Soaking in the thanks.

I am honestly overwhelmed by all of the love in my life.

I think we get very few opportunities to experience the love and support from others in a tangible way. It's so easy to feel alone and get wrapped up our individual path and day to day existence... we easily forget about all of the potential love that we're not tapping into.

It's not until times that we actually call out to people for help or support that we get a tangible representation of the richness in our life. This is exactly what I did this summer. It took a lot of courage but I launched the business project I've been dreaming of for about a year. Like many brave actions, this one paid off in ways I couldn't have anticipated.

For now, my "me time" will be to try to really soak in my thanks for the generous people in my life and how bountifully they have shared themselves and their love.

With the right frame of mind and perception I think we all have a lot to be thankful for. It's just hard to see with our fast paced self-focused go go go...

A little focus

I'm here, all alone, in a new country.  If this isn't the setting for me time, what is, right?  Yet, I haven't felt the incentive to do this bit of everyday magic that makes a difference.   So, I've decided to do a big chunk of it in September to make up for some lost time.   I'm investing in a yoga course that requires me to leave work on time and dedicate a whole weekend to improving my mental and physical well-being.  As Ms Tirzah knows- a lot of quiet introspection makes me more than a little uncomfortable.  I'm hoping that learning to be alone as I have over the past two months have set the stage for this experiment and next step in my self-improvement.

One thing I have been doing is writing about little local adventures through London on another blog.  I haven't felt the same adoration for London as I do NY, but the blogging it is helping me remain positive and motivated to make the most of it.  This realization reminded me of how much I enjoy this blog and how negligent I've been lately in both my "me time" and blogging on the more personal side.  So hopefully, you'll welcome me back.

Building Community... a never ending investment?

Amazing what a job can do for your sanity... with a somewhat steady schedule and the structure of an office, I am happily on the go-go. I'm way more productive when I have to squeeze in errands in-between other commitments. It's never perfect though is it?

With my job and home security get to a peaceful place, my friend and romance waves are in low tide. Most of my inner-circle community in Pittsburgh has moved to a new place and given me a lot more alone-time than usual. Time to re-build... the exact task that felt so insurmountable when thinking about moving to a new city. I guess this is just how the universe gets it's kicks. Somewhere in the clouds there's snickering and laughing while talking about these silly humans thinking that they could find peace in others rather than within themselves. Or maybe they're laughing at the importance we put on our physical place. Either way we are always pushed around by the things we cannot control.

Perhaps everything needs to wax and wain in waves of busyness and bounty. Right now is my time to focus on my work (that I actually Love) and balancing my schedule so that I take care of myself and allow my community to slowly evolve as it always does. With a little love and patience, there are always good things to flow.

The word transistion seems wimpy when you're in the whirlwind

I ran away from my life - and then I remembered, "Wherever you go, there you are". You can never truly get away from yourself - but pleasant surroundings can have a nice effect. On my island vacation with friends, I had a nice escape from my day to day reality and I gave myself time to think and relax. It wasn't until the last day that I realized I would be flying back to a city where I had neither job nor home nor lover and I had to work hard to keep myself on a positive note.

So what happened when I returned? My newly refreshed mind and body were ready to make things happen and I hit the ground running. Celebrated my friends in Pittsburgh, got things done and somewhere along the way I landed my dream job -

It's a temporary fix that could lead into something bigger but for now it's pretty darn perfect. I get to do research and planning that I'd want to do on my own - but I'll get paid to do it! Once I get settled into both my new job and my new home I'm sure I'll feel more grounded and ready to take on the balance challenge.

Maybe vacations really are a necessary part of keeping your life together and making yourself open to the good things that come along.

PS if you click on the title the link will send you to my friends blog that I found truly inspiring - enjoy!

Home of One

While a lot of my friends are building nests within their partners, I feel like I'm trying to build my nest in myself...


What will my nest look like? Right now I'm focused on where it will be - cities calling my name... but maybe I need to be thinking more about what I'll be doing once I get there.

Who knows how long I"ll be the only resident of my nest - but I'm trying to stay focused on the good stuff and keep my heart open to the things that fly by.

Me vs. Them (?)

Is it impossible to balance me time and family time when your family is going through a tough time? Some have said as much to me when I've been talking about moving back to my hometown. My gut reaction is to ignore these warnings and move back to Nashville anyways. But then again perhaps I'm being hasty.

Balance has always been something I've been very aware of and made a conscious effort to create a balanced life for myself.

What is it about home that is so appealing? Comfort and support - lots of unquestioned relationships in your life. I'm going to spend a little bit more time developing my job search and make sure I"m not turning my back on any promising possibilities.

What are the things that are capable of throwing you off kilter in this balance game of life?

A lot of me time lately

I've been in London for a little over 2 weeks. Never have I had so much time alone.  I've started to get a taste of what life would be like alone. I mean really alone, not single alone.  Up until a few days ago, there was no TV, no internet, no friends, no phone. Just my books, my job, and myself.  What started out as a welcome break soon became a reality, an intimidating one at that. But I'm learning and this is good.

I'm learning I'm physically strong. For example, when someone offered me a television and I had no way to get it home, I figured it out. I called the cab, I carried it up stairs by myself, I put it together, lifted it on the stand, and settled down in front of it with a sigh of relief and satisfaction. 

I'm learning I can provide for myself. When I discovered that no restaurants delivered in my area at lunch time, I got off my lazy butt and made a day trip to Greenwich. There I scored some decent food, beautiful scenary, cheap books (I still prefer them to tv, which was a great reminder), and a new jacket.  All because I ventured out. On my own.

I'm learning to read a map.  Seriously, you have to in order to live here. I missed the grid of NYC at first but am starting to relish in discovering how to navigate the city.  It turns out I am not as directionally challenged as I thought, I just hadn't had to try because I always had a friend to ask.

While all this lessons are valuable, they aren't as great without friends to share them with.  My most important observation to date is that being single isn't what we should be worried about. With friends, life is sweet. Even without, it is on our own terms and a quest in search of finding them and ourselves.

Forces of attraction leave me searching for more

Physical vs. Emotional attraction... it's been a dilemma for me in my dating blunders. When I have a really cosmic strong connection in one of these two arenas the other side always seems to be lacking. I wish I didn't need a solid balance of both but I do!

Recently a friend, who I think is truly wonderful, started asking me out on dates. Sometimes these situations are great and lead to nice relationships - but in this case I couldn't switch my friend gear. The physical attraction is simply not there for me and I don't think I can really do anything about it. It's frustrating to find a spirit that I connect with and have to walk away.

My frustration with this situation makes me think of one of my favorite Savage Love sayings - "every relationship you're in is the wrong one - until it's not"

There's a reason all my relationships up until now haven't been the right one - I'm learning patience and spending the time I need to learn and love my MEtime self. Patience is never easy but I think keeping high standards are always worth it!

On the positive side, I called my friend out on his change of tune and told him I was thankful for our friendship and wanted to keep things as such. He quickly responded to my email with a cheerful, complementary acceptance of my wishes and I think we'll be able to hang out again soon... oh the wonderful things you can say over email that seem too big and difficult to say in 'real' life...

A little me time

I can't even compete with Tirzah's last post. It left me blushing. Fret not sweet adventurous feminist cousin, if a man had posted the same, I'd be just as red.

But I digress. I moved to London 4 days ago. Amidst the chaos of settling into my new place and jumping right into work, I've been spending time alone. I mean really alone. No TV, no Internet, no friends, no company at restaurants.  If you had asked me a week ago how I would handle that, I would have turned green.  Yet I surprised myself. I'm enjoying it.

I'm reading again and organizing. My mind wanders and I'm starting to write like I used to.   Things seem a bit sharper and clearer.   This change is good.

Let your flower bloom....

My friend did an art show all about the things you wear that make women feel powerful... very nice interviews and interesting statements. I've been thinking lately - what are the Things I Do that make me feel powerful?

In this past year, there is a long list of the things I do that give me strength. But for this blog entry, I want to focus on the fun and importance of jilling off or watering your own flower. It's amazing to know how to get yourself off and I know that it makes me a 10x better lover for others. It's pretty liberating and amazing to know that you can take care of yourself in this way. For some reason the topic is taboo and women aren't supposed to explore their abilities in this arena at all.

Somehow our culture has evolved to allow men open discussion of their sexual needs and supports them taking care of their own needs when need be. For women however, we pretend they don't have the same needs or at least should be quiet about it. We need to let go of some of our puritan past and embrace getting to know our bodies as well as we can - we only get one round!

The Friendship Date

I love open communication - but sometimes I worry that it scares people away. Maybe this is silly.

Recently, before going out on a first date with a guy, I sent him a note saying that I'd like to approach the evening as a 'friendship date'. In order to minimize the awkwardness that often follows blind dates, I wanted to pretend that we were testing each other out as friends and then if we liked some level of friendliness then it could evolve. He reacted to my note in a nonchalant way with something along the lines of "sure sounds good - whatever." This response left me wondering - well he must think I'm already pushing him away before I've even met him - oh well.

We had a nice enough evening where he really respected my space and boundaries, spent a long time walking around the city talking about life and social issues. All in all a pleasant evening but not spectacularly fun - the lack of laughs was a disappointment but other than that - a great night.

Then no call or email. So I decide to pull the forward communication card again and tell him that on the date-scale of friendship to 'more than friends' I'm somewhere in the middle and asked where he stands. Surprisingly he had the straight forward answer of yeah me too - - placating? I'm not sure. Even though this will not likely lead to a great adventure in love, it's great to know that I can say what I want and ask my curious questions and sometimes get exactly what I'm looking for.

Killing the awkwardness of blind dates with experiments in friendship was a great idea - perhaps a tool to be used in the future.

Stimulation abroad

Interestingly enough, I feel so connected to myself and indulgent right now despite having no personal time left.   I'm learning again!  Not only is my job presenting new challenges and exposing me to new subjects, but my environment is changing and I am studying British culture (I mean, check out the video for the great things that come from this country) with the same intensity.   It feels great to spend my spare time engrossed in books and outlining projects.  I'm exhilarated during work with figuring out the processes abroad.  I'm delightfully anxious prior to meetings and investing time getting ready.  The stimulation is dizzying but entirely gratifying.  I'm learning to be in the moment and make the most of it.  I've thought of the me time as separate breaks in the past but am realizing now that it can be completely integrated into the day-to-day with the right perspective. Ah- nearing a new decade is making me all the more wise!

Part Time Peace

What a whirlwind of change! Congrats shout out to Rita for being awesome and embracing this big move to the UK!

I just finished my graduate degree and am trying to embrace the complete unknown that sits before me. I spent a month celebrating my family and friends by traveling home and beyond then went wedding hopping two weekends in a row. Looking back on this time I know it was time well spent and a great reminder of all of the love in my life.

Now I have the space for reality to settle in. The real gravity of unemployment is here and now it's time to figure out how I will apply my time and skills to projects/jobs I care about. I expect this to be a period of being under-valued/underpaid until I find the right kind of lucrative job.

Surprisingly I'm really happy as a volunteer grant writer and project coordinator in the part time. I have the time to stay healthy and play in the summer sun. It'll be a short period of underpaid-bliss but for now it's great and I'm at peace with ME.

It's one big balance game when you really look at it. You have to decide which things you're willing to give up your freetime for and what you're willing to do to pay the bills... it all evens out in the end.

Cheerio

I've been suppressing the urge to write until I officially was able to announce my big news... no, I am NOT pregnant as my coworker suspected (but yes, I will be dieting tomorrow). Rather, I am making a move across the ocean to LONDON for 6 months for my job! While I suspect it will be challenging from a work perspective, I am craving that and the change it presents (both at a professional and personal level). There is a little anxiety about repeating old patterns of moving and not settling down but the temporary nature of this secondment has led me to say yes. How's that for embracing change in 2010?

Expect more blog posts in the upcoming weeks as I attempt to demystify the process of moving to a place I've only been for 24 hours in the past. What an adventure!

Theift of comfort

I"m sitting in my apartment when I hear the sound of crashing glass outside my window. When I go to the window I see a mans legs hanging out the window of a car obviously stealing the contents of the glove compartment. I'm alone in my house and it's 1 am... I yell at him and he runs away.

I can't quite shake the jitters I feel - the sudden vulnerability in the realization that there are people in my neighborhood with bad intentions. I was outside getting a bag from my car while this guy was talking on his phone just a few minutes earlier.

I call a friend who's staying at my house for the weekend to see when he'll be home and really just wanted to call to talk to someone and get a comforting voice. I call the non emergency line and it's not working hours so I decide to call 911 for the first time to report a crime.

I wish that it didn't take the voice of a male friend to make me feel comfortable. It would be nice to be able to calm myself down without the help of a friend and be able to feel okay being alone. but alas - I'm human.

The police just called me back asking which way he ran so perhaps my good samaritan duty will work out well for my neighborhood.

It wasn't my car that was broken into but it's just my proximity to the crime. It takes moments like this to realize how lucky we are on most days. The delicate balance it takes to keep the world afloat is indeed fragile. I feel safe and strong most of the time and even though I'm shaken tonight I know that I live in a city that wants to keep crime down and I have friends that will help soothe my nerves. Life is shaky but good.

May days

I'm greeting change on my terms without worrying about what could happen or what might have been. Rather than act in my hypothetical imaginary relationship state of mind, I'm behaving as an individual. I believe that life keeps throwing the same tests at you until you modify your behavior to learn from the experience. This week I broke a bad pattern. In making a decision, I acted in the interest of my well-being. I made that choice without guilt or regret and felt the benefit of progress.

Hooray to this moment of self-awareness and step toward growth. Thank you 'metime' for helping me realize I am capable and deserving.

On a path to somewhere...

This blog started out as a collection of stories about taking the luxury of ME time... it has evolved in different directions and been a platform to ask big life questions and a place for feminist perspectives on men, work, friendships and life.

Evolution is a good thing.

This week I took a slice of me-time by coming home after a long day and putting some mud on my face. Oh a simple face mask is oh-so-girly but feels so good. As I sat with my green-tones, I talked to my friend about the men in my life. This wise lady told me that the older we get - the more men we date for shorter periods of time... Made my thought wheels turn. In some ways it makes a lot of sense because as we grow we have a better sense for what we want.

While this 'more men in less time' concepts is logical - it seems totally contradictory to what the social norms tell us. I see so many women my age in long term relationships and getting settled into the idea of being partnered for life and starting to think about bringing kids into the world. From these images of late-20's and early 30's it seems like the years of dating around and jumping from boy to boy should be behind me.

I guess these opposite realities just go to show we're all on different time-lines and moving towards different relationship-futures. Maybe the lesson learned for me is that I need to focus more on my own time-line and do less lusting after other people's trajectory.

I sleep with my blackberry

From the time we are born, people speculate as to our career possibilities. The nature of this question is rarely 'what will she do', rather 'what will she be'? As adults, we evolve and perpetuate this trend by categorizing people within the comfort of preconception. Some might call it stereotyping but the stigma attached to that word is not intended here.

When it comes to who I am, I've recognized that my identity is intrinsically intertwined with my career. The role I play at work is diverse, mostly secure, and geared toward my talents. I'm unnerved, however, when asked what I want to do next in that role. I had a plan five years ago and worked relentlessly to achieve my goals despite numerous barriers. Now I'm not certain how to distinguish between contentedness and happiness. I'm left most concerned that I seek these answers in a performance review. I only know that it matters. This thought process is exhausting and leaves me craving a sabbatical to reflect and explore something entirely new. Ah to day dream. Writing? A business? What would make me happy and proud? How do I get there? Or do I keep going in the same direction?

Completion. How foreign.

I was watching Julie and Julia last night. Unfortunately, there were some errors with Netflix which prevented me from finishing the second half but perhaps that is why an early part of the movie has stuck with me all night and morning: the concept of a ritual that brings pleasure but also consistency into one's life. I love how Julie likened her blogging/ cooking experiment to AA- one day at a time.

Lately I've noticed I start things in my personal life but rarely finish them. Cleaning my house, Pilates classes, bike riding, etc. On the one hand, I recognize that my diverse interests and ability to multi-task are strengths but, on the other, I need to self-discipline a bit. I don't like being flaky to my friends and I avoid that at most costs yet am so often flaky with myself. So today, I plan to finish cleaning/ organizing. No more putting things in boxes for another day. I've got Lady Gaga blaring in the background and a onesie on from the gap. I'm dancing and singing and really enjoying the mood. Wish me luck if you are listening.

Tomorrow I'll give more thought to a routine that is manageable but also full of pleasure. Any thoughts?

Enjoyment for the Short Term

Last night I hung out with my friend who's a PhD philosophy student. We talked about how Aristotle defines friendship into three categories - 1)Friends with a purpose (ex: networking) 2)Friends for pleasure (ex: friends with benefits) and 3) True friendship.

Thinking about this I'm realizing I've been experimenting with the many forms of friends for pleasure. It's something that I've never been comfortable with because I always wanted the emotional connection to go along with the physical bond. Maybe it's the catholic guilt in me that's kept me from having friendships for pleasure - or maybe it's my romantic notions. Whatever the reason I'm entering into previously unexplored territory and I'm seeking out relationships that fill a short term desire.

The men in my life lately have not inspired any great spiritual connection, but I've been able to have fun with them and let it end there. It's a difficult line to draw - strange to stop people from becoming 'real' relationships while keeping them at the friends-for-fun level.

I think this is a phase for me and not necessarily a pattern I plan on continuing for the long term, but it's been an interesting process. Like any new 'unexplored territory' I'm learning more about myself and the things I want from a partner.

Overall this limited connection is unsatisfying and soon I'll get bored and start to prefer being alone to having some immediate needs satisfied... but for now I'm trying to just enjoy... sometimes easier said than done!

I better put a ring on it

A few months ago, I had noticed, much to my dismay and embarrassment, that photos of women flashing their engagement rings were leading to tummy aches on my part. Being egotistical and of a certain age (oh dear 30, how you loom), I felt pressure, despair (why not me?), confusion, guilt (for not thinking of her first), and then ultimately, realization- her situation is different than mine- happiness (and then hope- of course it came back to me)!

To avoid repeating this cycle, I took matters into my own hands. Literally. I bought myself a ring. For those same months I had been struggling with jealousy, I'd also been pining over a really unique ring at an antique store. I daydreamed about describing my love of this ring to the great guy - you know, the one who would pick it up and pretend it had been sold, only to surprise me with it when I had a bad day.

Then it struck me. I'm single. I don't have kids. I don't have a boyfriend for whom to buy presents. I don't drink or spend money frivolously. Don't, don't, don't... yet perspective is everything. This all makes it possible to do.

I do work hard. I do love this ring. I did get it. Because I do love myself and do believe I deserve it because it captures that moment where I realized I can provide for myself and change my circumstance- even if it is in a unconventional manner.

So flash your bling ladies. I get it now- it's a reminder of the moment you received it. Hopefully you, like me, will realize- you don't have to wait for someone else to make that moment happen.

The Splendor of Spring

Spring time is a beautiful whirlwind of change... There's something special in the air that opens people up to lovie thoughts giving romance a special place in the spring. There's also the tornado of life changes that seems to whirl down and catch me by surprise. In a few short weeks I'll be finished with school and on my way to creating the next phase of my life. Job searching - city dreaming - people lovin - it's all happening in the spring.

Tonight to celebrate the whirlwind of change I'll be going to an outlandish party with a troupe of costumed friends. The theme? mustaches - hot pants and suspenders... or we'll be dressing up as 'classy' gentlemen. I'm sure it'll be fantastically crazy and full of great dancing. Good people in good costumes make the world a brighter place!

Spring is also about letting go of the winter ho-hum. Like a snake shedding its skin I decided to let go of settling on a boy who was just okay. It feels great to make a decision to take care of myself and remember that I'm worth more than just okay - even if it means being on my own for longer I like myself so it shouldn't be all that bad. Just started dating a new guy and things are really unfolding nicely so far... spring brings so many treats!

Letting my bicycle bring me peace...

This weekend I set out to go on a 50 mile bike ride with my friends. Been fine-tuning my bike and getting those ridiculous shorts out from storage. Unfortunately, when the day came, it was rainy and cold. We decided to push through and do the ride anyways (a group of about 20+ bikers).

I really enjoyed riding through the rolling hills of PA and seeing the big barns, farms and cows. The air was a new kind of fresh and the landscape was quiet with buds waiting to bloom. My team of 4 bikers were refreshing and we sang odd songs as we flew down hill...

I didn't end up doing the whole route of 50 miles but stopped at about 20... decided not to feel bad about myself for stopping short but instead remember that the reason I decided to bike the route was to have fun. I did indeed have fun and it didn't take the full 50 miles to have something I could feel proud of. It feels really good to be able to listen to your body and know where to draw your limits.

in a funky state of mind

Today I spent my whole day in bed. I've spent almost every night at home for the past 2 weeks. I'm confessing this, despite it being contrary to the intention of this blog. By owning up, I'm committing to changing this downward trend.

Niko, my dog, is back. On the one hand, this is wonderful. I love his company and he is adorable. He's been with me for 7 years but stayed with my parents for several months when my work schedule got out of control. With him being back, my hours are becoming more manageable actually. It forces me to leave and to sign back online from home. This is much more preferable than living in my office. On the other hand, I've used it as an excuse to not be social. I need to be here with him after I've left him alone all day. The weather hasn't been great. We eat here, I watch hours of SVU while working, and then I go to bed. Tonight I watched an episode where there was a loving couple and I realized, if I don't get out of my house, that isn't going to happen for me.

So tomorrow, I commit to getting back on track. Create balance. Wake up at a decent hour. Straighten up. Take Niko to Central Park. Drop him off at home. Go for a bike ride. Grab dinner with a friend. Walk him again. Be thankful to living in this city and able to have a wonderful pet like Niko. I'll have more adventures to write about in the me time. I promise.

Gaga Gala...

Last night I volunteered for a fancy schmancy fundraiser for an arts organization in town. As much as I enjoy a fun gala I have to admit events like this are the things that make me question the future of the arts...

A whole bunch of people living in the clouds with their mountains of money... mostly white, old and eccentric people. These people are the funding backbone of many arts organizations in the US. I should be thanking them for choosing to spend their money on the arts. I should be okay with the reality of kissing their butts as an accepted and expected activity - but I'm not.

It's just groups like that one that turn the arts into an event for the rich. It makes the work a status symbol and it leaves me with a gross feeling.

Art should be a fundamental form of expression for anyone who is interested...

Maybe just another psychological hurdle that I need to jump over and recognize as a fundamental truth. It would never be a realistic option for people to have careers as artists if it weren't for wealthy patrons. There is often an unfortunate attitude that goes along with the funding - and maybe it's worth ignoring... but I still don't have to like it.

Scaling Walls - both real and imaginary

I feel so mighty today!

I've been going on morning jogs with my lovely running partner and it's making a big difference in my happiness points and generally helping me feel good about life.

But running aside - today I scaled a wall I thought was impossible to climb before! I was in a hurry to skip-ska-daddle out of my apartment to get to the lovely cooking class I've been looking forward to for months. I packed up my apron, ipod and sun glasses and ran out of the house to get there early - only forgetting my keys were sitting on the kitchen table with the door locked behind me. I sat on the steps feeling a bit defeated - called the landlord to get some help - then I realized if I did some circus maneuvering I could climb into my window. With my cowgirl boots off and to the side and my dress only slightly limiting my motion - I was an unstoppable force climbing my brick wall in the rain. After two different approach strategies - I made it to the window, opened the screen and wedged myself in! Thankfully there were no spectators and only a slightly skimmed knee to show for it.

It's doing something small that you thought was impossible that makes you realize you're capable of a lot more than you give yourself credit for...

My nice thing for myself today - it's to break down the invisible walls of impossible. I Stop letting my false barriers keep me back and I'm starting to push myself up up up and beyond!

Not too far from the tree- my mother, myself

My mother is a dynamic being, a presence that takes over the room. Spending the last few days with her has given me pause for reflection. I love observing her and spending time with her. She is engaging and animated, opinionated and impulsive. Her attention flickers from one thing to another. Someone recently told me that when we criticize others, it is usually a reflection of what we don't like in ourselves. I get irritated with myself for picking on her and being quick to judge her and the truth of that statement is all the more apparent. Those things for which I judge are the very things I dislike about myself- the foot in mouth syndrome, the wasting of time, the impulsiveness, the outspokenness... all things I can control and change with a little effort and consciousness.

This blog is a gesture of appreciation of the fabulousness that is my mother. She is kind, outgoing, spontaneous and generous. She is stunning and a friend to me. If she occasionally speaks her mind too much or gets a little bored with the mundane... I chose to forgive her (and myself) and focus on the positive in both of us. I'm thankful for them both and grateful for every minute I get with them...to wonderful parents!

Alone without the lonely...

If I am not concerned for myself, who will be for me?
But if I am only concerned for myself, what good am I?
And if now is not the time to act, when will it be?
- Hillel

Trying to keep the spirit of this quote alive as I soak in my life in Pittsburgh... I had a surprisingly low key weekend. Full of studying and exercising... and a lot of quiet alone-time. I can't remember the last weekend I've spent so much time by myself. It's both great and reality-jolting at the same time.

I have these glorified memories of what it was like to live on my own when I was in Albuquerque. My mess was mine completely and my social time happened when I planned it and quiet time was more of a norm.

I think I forgot how much self-analysis happens when you're alone. It's good to have the time to think and it's important to balance it out with time spent with friends... Oh the constant balance game we humans play!

Ask - and see what happens...

A couple times this week I've tried a new approach to situations. Instead of playing peace keeper and crowd pleaser - I've been asking for exactly what I want. I Stopped playing silly games of being shy in the face of uncomfortable situations where I could easily get frustrated with people's lack of intuition. I usually drop social clues and hope people pick up on them.

When I sit back and realize that I already know what I want to happen - it's magic. Grow a pair of ovaries and ask for what may seem taboo. What happens? Well, this week - you get what you want!

Just like I feel uncomfortable speaking up and asking - other people usually feel even more awkward about saying no. Oh humans and all their complexities!

Three cheers for being bold, asking for what you want - and then claiming your prize!

Snatch a Blast and a Match

In the spirit of adventure, I've been treating myself to new experiences in the wee hours left after work. Some recent (and upcoming) affordable explorations include:

• Taking a weekly hip hop class with my friend J (www.lifebooker.com- check out new daily loot- I scored these for around 12 dollars a class).
• Trying out pilates (6.50 a class!), circus class, and silk trapezing with my friend G (Got these through lifebooker and groupon).
• Partaking in a variety of activities through a gym membership at the 92Y (I think this was a groupon- 20 for a month membership).
• Treating my body to some mani/pedi time and a massage (25tuesdays.com- $25 dollars- hooray!)

On the not as cheap side, I'm also trying new restaurants and bars (some faves include Frank, Gotham Bar & Grill, and Campbell Apartment). Some of these have been experienced on dates. Yes dates. In terms of personal development, I feel like I have the friend and family aspect in a very solid place and my own perception of me is stronger than ever- so it might just be the right time for the man addition.

I'm approaching finding this fantastic fellow with an open mind: whether it be online, at a bar, in a class, through a friend, or dare I say... through a matchmaker. Yes, I said matchmaker- in keeping true with the NY experience, I've scheduled an interview with one I read about in Time Out New York- VIP. I'm drawn to the idea of a personal customized match but am hoping this doesn't turn out to be a breeding ground for guys who want a gold digger or trophey. This might just be my biggest adventure (or disaster) yet.

yes she can

Today I got a little handy. It was my first day on my own in almost 2 weeks (oh, how i miss my cousin Tirzah). I was acutely aware of the empty space and silence in my apartment. It was comfortable yet daunting. It seemed appropriate to tackle an obstacle head on and address the new found void.

I bought a shelf 4 months ago and it has been sitting in my corner, just waiting for my future boyfriend to hang it. I grasped the drill today and yelled enough. I am now laying under said shelf (which will probably be the death of me as the candles come crashing down) and feeling a true sense of pride (and fear). Next time, maybe it won't slant down and it will be more steady. Then again, looking at my curtain rod, I doubt that. But at least I can try and if nothing else, laugh a little at myself. It is a good reminder that I am capable and enjoy the projects that being single present.

My imaginary universe

I forgot what it was like to read a book just for fun.

And then I remembered - it's wonderful!

As I'm surrounded by dense text heavy required readings for classes, I've let the 'ME books' get pushed to the side. In my week off from classes I took the opportunity to soak in the last half of a book I started months ago... Barbara Kingsolver's Lacuna - great escape book! Telling the story of a young boy growing up between Mexico and the US with Frida Kahlo and Leon Trotsky as role models - a fun way to be immersed in the twists and turns of history.

Reading a "just because" book has an internal focus. It forces you to sit in a quiet space and create an alternate universe that only exists in the space between the pages and your imagination. When I put this into words it sounds so simple and obvious - but it's a luxury 'literary-universe' that I have neglected and I'm thankful that I found it again!

Building enriching relationships for the long haul

I almost had a whole week of MeTime in New York with the wonderful Ms. Rita. I spent my spring break investigating work/art job options in New York while hanging out with friends and family. It was a lovely, jammed packed few days full of good food, great art, laughter and amazing people. It's so important to remember how lucky we are to have people of substance in our lives and spend time valuing these relationships instead of letting them slip into the 'taken for granted'.

While soaking up time with people I love, I was working to build new friendships with arts management alumni who are working in New York. The process of finding a job can be so daunting and overwhelming - but ultimately comes down to knowing the right people.

Instead of the traditional internet research/job fair route, I'm approaching my career options holistically from a people-centric perspective. Good people lead me to other good people - and the cycle continues...

It's refreshing to feel like the simple connection between people who went to the same university can bring such a supportive and warm relationship. Even when the people I spoke to were in careers that are not at all along the same path as mine, they were interested in engaged in my ideas and plans for the future.

When you want to see gold in life - goodness surfaces...

Confidence is Power

It is quite the strange dynamic between men and women and the unspoken power dynamic that never really goes away... I consider myself a powerful person but I want my partner to be equally strong so that there is enough give and take. It seems so simple but it's a lot to ask on my quest for greatness.

On a recent date I was talking about stereotypes of different types of artists and he says yeah when a person calls themselves an artist I find it really pretentious. Yes - I'll admit it - I've said that about myself and I'll say it again - ok so I'm confident in my abilities and creative potential - is there something so wrong with that? His argument was that everyone with half a brain is interested in creative endeavors and it should go with out saying that we are artistic humans at our core. I guess I could see his point but it erked me.

So what does this have to do with staying in the ME time? well - I stayed confident in myself when it's obvious that the person I'm with feels bad about themselves and it made him a little uncomfortable that I was making bold statements. I cannot be responsible for the way he feels about himself but I can stick to my guns and say bye to him at the end of the night and then instead of going home - I turned around and went back into the club to keep dancing the night away with friends.

You have to grab the joy and the good moments when they come and let the rest slip away...

I'll trade ya -

Oh Rita! I'm so happy you're finding your escape in some messy mud/clay and discovering the silly walls that we set up around ourselves (the ones that need to be torn down). I haven't been indulging in my art/yoga time lately and I need to get back in that swing... it has an effect on me if I stay away for too long!

But in my fun little social experiment of internet dating - I think I had my most successful one yet. Not because of the sparks and fireworks that bounced off the stars but because it was simply a nice hour spent. We had a trade, I bought him a cup of fancy coffee and he fixed the tire on my bicycle. He owns a bike shop and is super savvy with that stuff and didn't mind helping me out... felt like a nice exchange for me. I don't know if I'll see him again or not. Honestly the fact that he hasn't followed up with a email/call/text makes me like him more than I would have otherwise - is that sick?

There's such a power game you play when you date guys - you want to feel like your feelings can dictate the direction of things to a certain degree. I don't want to fall into a situation where I'm with someone just b/c he's super into me but I haven't had time to process the way I feel about him. Does this make sense? It's like I want to be pursued just as much as I am pursuing... in search of the perfect amount of balance where we like each other the same amount. At the least he deserves a second shot - who knows how I'll feel then.

Onward and upward to the next social experiment!

Getting Dirty

I've been sick since Sunday: run down, fever, stuffy, achy, and a constant headache. Pretty picture, right? I woke myself up moaning for the past two nights. Today I decided it was time to fight it; mind over matter, literally. I went to make pottery after work. Nothing to heal the heart, mind, and body better than indulging in a little mud madness. The concept of control in a time of chaos of my physical state, my mind, and my work life, inspired me. I believed I could make two big bowls. And I did.

I broke through my plateau. I've been frustrated lately in art class. This disturbs me because it is my place of escape and yet has been another stress. I kept feeling like I was doing the right things yet not reaching results; that I couldn't find the time I so needed to practice. Today, my perspective changed. I quit blaming the clay and my schedule and suddenly understood it was me that was at fault: my hands, my mind. After all, what more was the shape of the clay than an extension of myself? I visualized the shapes I was aiming to achieve and suddenly, I produced.

I forget about being sick, being overworked, being single and just felt the thrill of accomplishment. What a sweet relief. Now I will scrape the three inches of clay out of my hair and off my glasses and sleep easy knowing that tomorrow is a new day with plenty of opportunities for perspective and for fun. Good life lesson here: focus on what I can accomplish and realize that my biggest obstacle is often myself.

Knowing that, I hope to improve.

A little rejection goes a long way

I lost focus in the scarce hours remaining from my demanding job and my exploration of a potential new relationship. The me time... remembering what is important to me and pursuing it... got complicated. I transformed it into forcing something not right for me into something I really wanted. Thank goodness for rejection. Remember the "I am not a prostitute guy"? Well, I started to talk myself into liking him. There were signs this wasn't the right decision: I didn't kiss him through four dates, little things he did annoyed me (like the way he laughed and the things he chose to laugh at), that I was describing him as not my typical type but so nice. I just wanted it to work. The timing seemed ideal and he really is a very nice guy. I almost settled. Instead, I pushed him away until he yelled uncle.

Thank goodness he did or I might have ended up content, but not really happy, or breaking up two years later. More importantly though, thank you universe for the wake up call. Here's a little reminder of what is important for me (my dealbreakers) for the next time I meet a guy I might like. Oh, and please feel free to kick me in the butt if you see me drifting off track again.

1. Attraction. I want to be thinking about him and really wanting to kiss him.

2. Personality. I want him to be flexible, have his own hobbies, be willing to try things I like, non-judgmental, somewhat liberal, creative, ambitious, intelligent, non-pretentious.

3. Readiness for the Ridiculousness that is Rita. I don't want games. I want to be able to call. I want a guy who is drawn to that, attracted to me, gets my sarcasm, is easy going, can laugh it off, and goes out of his way to do little things to show he cares.

Am I asking too much? Hopefully not. Because these are non-negotiable.

And in the 'metime'- I'll work on toning it down a little. Maybe easing him into the magical mystery tour of my being isn't such a bad idea. Ending things proactively when I know they aren't right is a pretty great commitment to make. My little present to myself. Happy belated Valentines, darling.

to-do-list-time... go away work!

Sometimes my 'me' time translates to my 'get-things-done-to-shrink-my-todo-list' time and it isn't always the most enjoyable way for me to spend my time or my weekend.

I had a Friday and Saturday full of work with some fun sprinkled in this weekend. It's not how I'd like things to be in an ideal world but no matter how much I pretend - I'll never live in that dream land. The to-do list will never stop mounting but it will ebb and flow with times of high and low volume.

In this high volume chapter I'm hibernating a bit and saying no to invitations for things I would like to do. My fun time is regimented and the balance is a little off kilter - but next week I should be able to reward myself with some much needed rest.

Birthdays and UnBirthdays

This year on my actual birthday I decided to wake up early and do some errands and take myself out for treats that I wouldn't normally splurge on. It was like the whole city was exploding with nice-ness for me. The bus seemed to be on my schedule and people in every direction were opening doors for me and giving out plenty of smiles.

Somewhere in this dream of a morning I realized that the only day in a year that is generally put aside for MEtime is your birthday. It's totally accepted for people to do as many nice things for themselves as they can. One day out of the year you reserve the right to treat yourself really well just because.

This blog is helping me put that old tradition on the shelf and bring the birthday nice-ness into the un-birthday days of the year. When you go out and do your normal day to day stuff with the smile and belief that you deserve the world - people respond in a very warm way.

- People treat you the way you treat yourself -

it's a vicious little game we play of not thinking we deserve the things we want out of life... this is my time for being demanding of myself for myself!

Purple Party defeats the Blizzard!

So this year I decided to celebrate my birthday with a fun and straight forward theme party - PURPLE - purple food, purple songs, purple clothes and of course purple drinks. So with Sangria flowing and music blasting I rang in My new year of 27 with a group of wonderful people.

I had no idea who would actually be able to come to my party b/c there was a huge snow storm in Pittsburgh the day before my party.. 2 solid feet of snow pretty much has shut down the city. No buses, no roads and sidewalks with snow up to your knees. To top it all off all the liquor stores were closed so I couldn't exactly offer my friends the beverages I wanted to.

But I was overwhelmed with warmth from my friends who were not only willing to walk to my house in the snow but they were also willing to bring the bits and pieces of alcohol scraps around their house to make a beverage co-op in my kitchen. My one friend carried two elaborate purple cakes more than a mile without letting one inch of icing be disturbed...People brought sweet little gifts and even a piece of art along with their generous booze donations... There was so much purple - clothes, ties, purple hair and purple eye make-up... it went way beyond any expectations.

A great reminder of how important it is to celebrate the friendships in your life by throwing a party of self-celebration-birthday-love.... Thank you universe for putting so many great people in my life!

Finding my religion

My niece is the coolest little being, a squishy ball of giggles. I am visiting North Carolina for her baptism, which makes me acutely aware of the absence of organized religion in my own life as of late. Elements of my Catholic upbringing are engrained in me, yielding both positive and negative impacts on my personality. But Catholism and I conflicted over social issues, so we parted as friends.

I want to design both a customized political party and a religion for myself. With politics, the nature of our government forces you to choose parties based on individual priorities. It is rare that anyone likes everything about one party, and yet she is forced to vote for the one that represents the issues that matter most to her in order to have her vote count.

We aren't mandated into those discrete areas with religion. While obvious to some, this realization was a long time coming for me. We have the right to choose whether to follow a particular religion and our choices will still have personal impact, even if we do not choose a popular party. If we so choose to follow, at least in Catholicism, we are asked to embrace all of the belief system. I will not disrespect the other members or myself by picking and choosing those elements that work for me and disregarding the rest.

I look back on my time in this religion with fondness. My childhood was built on this foundation and it was a great guide for me. I am grateful my niece will grow up with that moral structure. I marvel at her happiness and innocence and want a good place to keep that safe. Her baptism inspires me to explore my beliefs at a deeper level and start fresh and clean. I forgive myself for past mistakes and move forward, resolved to be a better person.

Me and the Museum

Realizing the reality of really having to plan and schedule in time for yourself...

Yesterday I had about an hour and a half before my next meeting and I was sitting in front of my computer thinking about what I should do. I had a to-do list in front of me - Nothing was urgent but I could work on various projects or start some reading assignments for the week.

But no I decided none of the things on my list were really important enough for my precious time. Instead, I chose to take a walk down the street and spend my hour in the art museum. It was a wonderful gift to myself - a quiet place to think, question the direction of my life and ask myself what is it exactly about art that makes me feel so dedicated to it.

In school I'm working so hard to learn what it takes to manage an arts organization, the skills and analysis tools that will push my path forward... but there's not a lot of time spent with the art itself. It has become an assumption that art is worth dedicating your life to. This is something that I still believe in - but it's great to sit back and check my priorities and passions and make sure I'm on the track I want to be on...

This moment of me time and introspection was brought to me by me for me!

Awareness and Perception

The 'me time' has been consumed by 'work time' this week, despite my best efforts. I did make it to see Ani DiFranco in concert (2nd row seats) but spent far too much time responding to work e-mails on my blackberry . I let a unique experience slip into the background to deal with issues that probably could have waited. And at the end, I realized this and really focused in and was amazed by her talent, passion, and ability to translate experiences into music. It was a set-back, but I am on track again now.

Speaking of getting on the right track- so Ms. Tirzah- you are diving into on-line dating? I completely relate to your assessment as to accepting this as a non-freak thing to do. A psychologist should do a study of the stages towards acceptance of this new means of meeting a mate. The vast majority of our time is spent communicating remotely rather than personally so on-line dating as an extension of that norm has certainly become more natural despite our urges to deny this.

While I have many experiences I could share here and insights, there is one in particular I think it would have helped me to have known when I was diving in. While much of online dating is 'different' to 'real world dating', perhaps the most profound yet intangible shift to me was that the tone of the meeting has already been set. The 'I just met a great guy but don't think I'd like to date him but do want to be friends' transition is more difficult to achieve because there is a presumption that you are in it for romance (or something kind of like it... hm... hm).

I was left wanting to create a service that connected people to new friends with no expectation of romance. Not a meetup.com group, but a friend match-up that is more personal and allows screening. Because at the end of the day, when I was gravitating toward online dating, it really was because I had a lack of single friends in my life who inspired me to leave my house and seize the city. There are times that I want to explore new things, be it exercise, travel, book clubs, cooking, etc. Some of these fit my current friends' interests and availability while others do not. I'd love to be able to interview new friends in the same way we interview these on-line dates. Hey, if the greek system works, why not this?

Enjoy the experience. Be open to it. And most importantly, don't let yourself ask 'I wonder what is wrong with him that he is online'...

Slices of goodness

Ah - Rita - I feel you on the need to squeeze in the MEtime into little windows in between the to-do list. I'm taking more classes than I'm used to this semester and have taken on quite a few big projects so it makes for a full juggling act throughout the day.

I have had slices of MEtime in between studying and projects the past few days... the slices include a yoga class, having some frozen chocolate chips, reading some literotica stories, taking a nap and geeking out with a newly discovered online dating site.

Weird how you can have it in your head that internet dating is disconnected from the real-world and a statement about the lack of human to human connections - and then - flip you can be inspired to change your mind. Thanks to the recommendation of a good friend I have flipped that switch. I bit the bullet and signed up - not thinking much of it. And then I got lots of messages and responses from interesting people in Pittsburgh that I would have never met otherwise. Maybe I should hold my judgment until after I've met people face to face and decide they're not total creeps - but for now it's fun!

I plan on meeting people and hanging out with interesting folks on my terms and becoming more comfortable with letting guys go when the chemistry just isn't there. May the adventure begin!

Home Improvement

On Wednesday, I am traveling to North Carolina to visit my niece and my family. There is a mountain of unfinished tasks to accomplish falling primarily in the dreaded area of housework. Today I plan to catch up but find a way to make it fun. One such plan is to incorporate my friend E into the day's plans with a trip to a local farmer's market. Another is to develop and blast a playlist of songs to frame my mind for the week ahead. Throughout the day, I'll enjoy new systems and brainstorm on ways to make my place more enjoyable in the days ahead. And at the end, I'll have a great space to enjoy when I return. Sounds like a plan to me.

Rule Schmules

I reconnected with two old friends this week and spontaneously planned a dinner. Over our meal, we exchanged stories about our NY experiences. It was interesting to hear three very different perspectives. T has been in the city since college, met her husband here, and considers it to be home. M is resisting NY after spending years abroad and going through a very difficult breakup. She is finding it difficult to meet new people. Me, I am still falling madly in love with my city, and feel defensive in protecting its image against M's criticisms. I vow to demonstrate at earliest opportunity just how fortunate we are to live in a city with so many windows with new people behind them promising chances at fresh starts every day.

The timing couldn't have played out better in a chick flick. Right then, a handsome man outside the restaurant window glances at me several times while on a call. As he finally went to walk away, I waved. He returned the greeting and gestured for me to join him outside. After a series of miming, he agreed to join us in the warmth of the trattoria. Convinced he knew me from somewhere, we explored those possibilities. I am confident he did not. Surely, I would remember such an interesting man. He is from Israel and has an incredible life story. One that makes me slightly uneasy and acutely aware of how little I know about current events and politics. One that is different from anyone I've ever met.

Toward the end of the evening, he handed me his contact information. He did not ask for mine, instead insisting that if I did not call him it would "break his heart". This led to a moment of conflict. I am a woman who has the concept of "he's just not that into you" beat into the fibers of my being. My old self would have clung vigorously to this philosophy despite that I did want to speak more with him. In the spirit of my new approach, I chose not to follow that path (although I do agree with its logic- although that is a separate blog entry for the future). Instead I shot him an e-mail, with my number, which simply stated that I'd like to see him before he left for his next trip. No excuses, no pretenses, just what I was feeling.

He got in touch the next day and we went for coffee (yes, the same day- it was open for me and I did not feel like playing games) and a walk. It was a bitter cold day but the conversation was interesting which distracted me from my stinging hands. At some point, I realized that despite his many good qualities, our cultural differences stood in the way of me feeling comfortable. So I gently ended the date.

Out of all of the changes I've made in my action packed month, ending the date on my terms felt the most rewarding. So many times, I've gone out with a man and seen red flags but proceeded against my better judgment. Instead, I listened to my instinct and feel confident that it was the right decision. I plan to introduce him to a friend with whom I think he may have a better connection. I would just hate to let a good single man go to waste on a stranger.

Follow a whim

So tonight when I was walking out of my late night class ready to hit the books - a friend of mine looks over to me and says - hey do you want to go swing dancing? In my head I was thinking about my weekend and how/where I could squeeze in an evening of dancing - but then he said - right now on the other side of campus - you should join me!

Um Yes! Dancing is something that I love but often don't carve out enough time for. But in the spirit of MEtime - I followed my instinct and pushed studying to the side so I could have a casual hour of dancing. Thank you MEtime! It was so great to remember what it's like to let your body follow the music and have that fun connection to another person.

Usually partner dances turn me off a little bit because there are so many rules to follow... It takes an element of fun out of it. But I decided not to get bogged down by what I don't know and just have fun in the moment... one of the better decisions I've made this week!

I'm not a prostitute!

I ended my date last night with those very words.

Did this man proposition me with money? No. Did he suggest something entirely inappropriate? No. Did he pay for my cab ride after treating me to a nice date? Embarrassingly, yes.

In my defense, I had two dirty martinis, some olives, and crackers for dinner. Add to that my biting sense of sarcasm and distrust of dating and you get a slightly tipsy Italian girl insulting a gentleman on a date. Oh my.

In my sober state this morning, I reflected as to why I felt so threatened by a man offering a genuinely kind gesture. At the time, my reaction was based on one of two theories with a common foundation of discomfort around nice men:

a. He thought I was too drunk to take the subway.
b. He thought I was too poor to pay for myself.

It turns out that neither were true. I know this because he e-mailed me today to explain he just wanted me to be safe.

Oh, and he also wants to take me out again.

Interesting article: "when chocolate meets chakras"

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/27/dining/27yoga.html?ref=style

Oh I just wanted to pass this on to all the MEtime lovers out there... Yoga+Foodie culture - I like both things but think this combo is out for some good ol'American shock value.

Seems like there's a way to have a more harmonious blend of yoga and great food without bacon and red wine...

Arrrt

So in my pursuit of MEtime - I have been thinking a lot about how it is so much easier and justify-able for me to spend time doing things/making things for others than it is to truly focus on myself. I haven't decided if this is necessarily a good or bad thing yet - but accepting it as my natural tendency. Basically by admitting this truth for my own life now and from here I'll look for some balance.

But I digress, as my small circle of reader/friends, you know I enjoy spending time making things - whether it be something to hang on the wall or something to eat - the act of creation makes me feel good.

I've attached my most recent creation - a painting that allowed some me-time in the process- but the product is a belated Christmas present for Rita. Long in the making - but you're getting two paintings from the love of one. Hard to photograph but hope it will remind you to let yourself unfold in whatever ways you may need - allow the drips to fall into your space and enjoy the surprises.

Feet

I think feet are an important but often ignored part of the body. To celebrate my feet and give them some much needed attention - I thanked them for all the hard work they do with a nice long foot massage.

Why don't I usually take the time to pause before I go to bed and give myself a foot rub? Well I haven't been living in the ME time - obviously. I've forgotten some of the smaller ways I can take care of myself... but not for long!

And - in response to Rita - I think you're just simply wonderful and I can't wait to get this blogging adventure off the ground. You wrote so many great things about how we need to frame our thoughts and minds as we approach the MEtime project!

Hello- it's Rita

I quit waiting.

I felt that life owed me something it because I'd demonstrated such a commitment to change when I moved to NYC alone a year and a 1/2 ago. My life was consumed by work, visitors from home, movies, and eating take out. Oh yes, and superficial efforts to appear to be working toward what I thought I really want: the relationship with that great guy.

I started justifying. Maybe, if I just lost weight, I would meet the guy. So I would focus on that.... for a while. I kept thinking... in the meantime, I could do this.

In my job, I assess opportunities and define strategy. I listen to all of the tactical ideas for marketing that people think are solutions. Then I consider what their true objectives are and I make a roadmap of getting them from one place to where they need to be using manageable tactics. In 2010, I decided to quit waiting and do the same to my life.

I sat back and thought about why I wanted those things so badly. The boyfriend? I'd like to have children and a support system but more than that I wanted a partner who, in some sense, complemented me. I'd been presented with plenty of opportunities to date many nice men since I'd moved here but none seemed right. In the meantime, I kept waiting for it to just come to me instead of working towards improving myself and enjoying the selfish me time that single people have the luxury of having. Most importantly, I realized that not only do I have time to find someone, but if I don't, I can do those things alone. I am capable- so long as I build that support system and confidence in myself.

Hence- my efforts here to focus on me. To build a business plan for myself to keep my true objectives in mind. To work toward being the happiest and healthiest person I can be with a good network of friends and family.

Thank you Tirzah for accompanying me on this journey and to those of you who read about our adventures for cheering us along on the way.

So it begins.

A moment of thanks

So I have over-loaded my plate. It is overflowing and I need to get a life vest to keep myself afloat.

Needless to say - it's a week where it isn't necessarily my first inclination to be living in the Me time... but I will!

Tonight as I was riding my bike home from my evening class, I stopped to appreciate the bridge. Having just moved from a very hilly part of town to a relatively flat commute - I was very thankful for my smooth bike ride. In this moment of thanks, I took the time to realize that without this bridge crossing over a deep valley I would not have it so good.

Bottom line - life is good - even when you think you've forgotten how to take time to breathe. Somehow there a bridge to carry you home.

Thank you bridge.

Yoga morning

Inspired by my new roomates new-years commitment to exercising, I woke up and rolled out my yoga mat in the living room and did an hour of yoga on my own.

It's a practice that I know will always make me feel better and more balanced - but for whatever reason it's hard for me to stay dedicated to it on a daily basis.

Today - woke up and got to the map - started out the day with a little zen by my side - thanks to Me time...

A simple no

So last week my treat to myself was saying no. I had carved out some time to work on a painting - and this is not such a simple thing to do. I was home with my family and surrounded by people I love, of course it's tempting to do things other than paint. Being with family and friends comes an easy sense of obligation or responsibility for me...perhaps I'm a natural care taker.

Anyways - this day in particular when my name was called from the kitchen to do an unknown favor or to be asked an unknown question - I simply responded with No. As in No I'm not here - No I'm not available - No to any other obligations - this was Me-time.

Perhaps it was a rude response - but honestly it was very liberating.

The Inspiration... the Start!

To ring in the new year, Rita and Tirzah have decided to take this idea of selfishness seriously. We started talking about how women spend way too much time focused on the relationships with men in our lives and not enough focused on ourselves. Why does being selfish have so many negative connotations? We're here to rescue the word "Selfish" from being lost in a sea of shame... We are going to claim our relationship with ourselves to make 2010 all about creating more MEtime.

How are we going to do this? Well, every week for the next year, we're both going to do three things for ourselves. Not for our friends, not for our boyfriends not for our family but completely for us - just because. And then we're going to write to You our lovely readers.

We hope you enjoy this shout out to selfishness and maybe are inspired to do a thing or two for yourself - why? because you deserve it!