Pushing people away by accident?

So the other night, I decided I needed to go out dancing - there were tentative plans to meet up with a girlfriend but nothing was solid. I decided to go on my own and see what's what. Ended up not meeting up with my friend - but instead jumped into a circle for colleagues I knew from school.

Anyways - all this means that I was in a dance club kind of on my own... a new slightly weird experience. On the dance floor I started letting loose, closing my eyes and moving to the music - letting go of stressful thoughts and being present with the movements and beats. It felt good!

Being on my own allowed me to look at the social dynamics on the dance floor in a new light... Saw this one girl just consume this guy with flirtatious looks - like she knew what she wanted and then she went and made him dance with only her. It was pretty impressive honestly - even though it was overwhelming to witness. When a shy guy was trying to come up to me - I waited for him to be direct and show his interest. I didn't want to play the role of the seductress - I wanted to be seduced... Since he wasn't brave enough to actually look me in the eye and get closer with movements - I stayed in my world of one and pretended I didn't notice his attempts of getting closer.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I pushed away a possibly a-okay guy for no real reason. I essentially built up this wall around myself and didn't let this guy in because he wasn't willing to put himself out there. I expect a lot from my partner - evidently, bravery is right at the entrance of my expectations. Should I try to explore ways to become the decisive woman on the pursuit? Should I follow the 'He's Just Not That Into You' approach of letting a guy be the one who should know what he wants and showing it? It's a tricky game with no real answers...

Readers - if you're out there - I'd love to see you weigh in with your opinion!

Home of One

While a lot of my friends are building nests within their partners, I feel like I'm trying to build my nest in myself...


What will my nest look like? Right now I'm focused on where it will be - cities calling my name... but maybe I need to be thinking more about what I'll be doing once I get there.

Who knows how long I"ll be the only resident of my nest - but I'm trying to stay focused on the good stuff and keep my heart open to the things that fly by.

On a path to somewhere...

This blog started out as a collection of stories about taking the luxury of ME time... it has evolved in different directions and been a platform to ask big life questions and a place for feminist perspectives on men, work, friendships and life.

Evolution is a good thing.

This week I took a slice of me-time by coming home after a long day and putting some mud on my face. Oh a simple face mask is oh-so-girly but feels so good. As I sat with my green-tones, I talked to my friend about the men in my life. This wise lady told me that the older we get - the more men we date for shorter periods of time... Made my thought wheels turn. In some ways it makes a lot of sense because as we grow we have a better sense for what we want.

While this 'more men in less time' concepts is logical - it seems totally contradictory to what the social norms tell us. I see so many women my age in long term relationships and getting settled into the idea of being partnered for life and starting to think about bringing kids into the world. From these images of late-20's and early 30's it seems like the years of dating around and jumping from boy to boy should be behind me.

I guess these opposite realities just go to show we're all on different time-lines and moving towards different relationship-futures. Maybe the lesson learned for me is that I need to focus more on my own time-line and do less lusting after other people's trajectory.

Building enriching relationships for the long haul

I almost had a whole week of MeTime in New York with the wonderful Ms. Rita. I spent my spring break investigating work/art job options in New York while hanging out with friends and family. It was a lovely, jammed packed few days full of good food, great art, laughter and amazing people. It's so important to remember how lucky we are to have people of substance in our lives and spend time valuing these relationships instead of letting them slip into the 'taken for granted'.

While soaking up time with people I love, I was working to build new friendships with arts management alumni who are working in New York. The process of finding a job can be so daunting and overwhelming - but ultimately comes down to knowing the right people.

Instead of the traditional internet research/job fair route, I'm approaching my career options holistically from a people-centric perspective. Good people lead me to other good people - and the cycle continues...

It's refreshing to feel like the simple connection between people who went to the same university can bring such a supportive and warm relationship. Even when the people I spoke to were in careers that are not at all along the same path as mine, they were interested in engaged in my ideas and plans for the future.

When you want to see gold in life - goodness surfaces...

A little rejection goes a long way

I lost focus in the scarce hours remaining from my demanding job and my exploration of a potential new relationship. The me time... remembering what is important to me and pursuing it... got complicated. I transformed it into forcing something not right for me into something I really wanted. Thank goodness for rejection. Remember the "I am not a prostitute guy"? Well, I started to talk myself into liking him. There were signs this wasn't the right decision: I didn't kiss him through four dates, little things he did annoyed me (like the way he laughed and the things he chose to laugh at), that I was describing him as not my typical type but so nice. I just wanted it to work. The timing seemed ideal and he really is a very nice guy. I almost settled. Instead, I pushed him away until he yelled uncle.

Thank goodness he did or I might have ended up content, but not really happy, or breaking up two years later. More importantly though, thank you universe for the wake up call. Here's a little reminder of what is important for me (my dealbreakers) for the next time I meet a guy I might like. Oh, and please feel free to kick me in the butt if you see me drifting off track again.

1. Attraction. I want to be thinking about him and really wanting to kiss him.

2. Personality. I want him to be flexible, have his own hobbies, be willing to try things I like, non-judgmental, somewhat liberal, creative, ambitious, intelligent, non-pretentious.

3. Readiness for the Ridiculousness that is Rita. I don't want games. I want to be able to call. I want a guy who is drawn to that, attracted to me, gets my sarcasm, is easy going, can laugh it off, and goes out of his way to do little things to show he cares.

Am I asking too much? Hopefully not. Because these are non-negotiable.

And in the 'metime'- I'll work on toning it down a little. Maybe easing him into the magical mystery tour of my being isn't such a bad idea. Ending things proactively when I know they aren't right is a pretty great commitment to make. My little present to myself. Happy belated Valentines, darling.

Hello- it's Rita

I quit waiting.

I felt that life owed me something it because I'd demonstrated such a commitment to change when I moved to NYC alone a year and a 1/2 ago. My life was consumed by work, visitors from home, movies, and eating take out. Oh yes, and superficial efforts to appear to be working toward what I thought I really want: the relationship with that great guy.

I started justifying. Maybe, if I just lost weight, I would meet the guy. So I would focus on that.... for a while. I kept thinking... in the meantime, I could do this.

In my job, I assess opportunities and define strategy. I listen to all of the tactical ideas for marketing that people think are solutions. Then I consider what their true objectives are and I make a roadmap of getting them from one place to where they need to be using manageable tactics. In 2010, I decided to quit waiting and do the same to my life.

I sat back and thought about why I wanted those things so badly. The boyfriend? I'd like to have children and a support system but more than that I wanted a partner who, in some sense, complemented me. I'd been presented with plenty of opportunities to date many nice men since I'd moved here but none seemed right. In the meantime, I kept waiting for it to just come to me instead of working towards improving myself and enjoying the selfish me time that single people have the luxury of having. Most importantly, I realized that not only do I have time to find someone, but if I don't, I can do those things alone. I am capable- so long as I build that support system and confidence in myself.

Hence- my efforts here to focus on me. To build a business plan for myself to keep my true objectives in mind. To work toward being the happiest and healthiest person I can be with a good network of friends and family.

Thank you Tirzah for accompanying me on this journey and to those of you who read about our adventures for cheering us along on the way.

So it begins.