Theift of comfort

I"m sitting in my apartment when I hear the sound of crashing glass outside my window. When I go to the window I see a mans legs hanging out the window of a car obviously stealing the contents of the glove compartment. I'm alone in my house and it's 1 am... I yell at him and he runs away.

I can't quite shake the jitters I feel - the sudden vulnerability in the realization that there are people in my neighborhood with bad intentions. I was outside getting a bag from my car while this guy was talking on his phone just a few minutes earlier.

I call a friend who's staying at my house for the weekend to see when he'll be home and really just wanted to call to talk to someone and get a comforting voice. I call the non emergency line and it's not working hours so I decide to call 911 for the first time to report a crime.

I wish that it didn't take the voice of a male friend to make me feel comfortable. It would be nice to be able to calm myself down without the help of a friend and be able to feel okay being alone. but alas - I'm human.

The police just called me back asking which way he ran so perhaps my good samaritan duty will work out well for my neighborhood.

It wasn't my car that was broken into but it's just my proximity to the crime. It takes moments like this to realize how lucky we are on most days. The delicate balance it takes to keep the world afloat is indeed fragile. I feel safe and strong most of the time and even though I'm shaken tonight I know that I live in a city that wants to keep crime down and I have friends that will help soothe my nerves. Life is shaky but good.

May days

I'm greeting change on my terms without worrying about what could happen or what might have been. Rather than act in my hypothetical imaginary relationship state of mind, I'm behaving as an individual. I believe that life keeps throwing the same tests at you until you modify your behavior to learn from the experience. This week I broke a bad pattern. In making a decision, I acted in the interest of my well-being. I made that choice without guilt or regret and felt the benefit of progress.

Hooray to this moment of self-awareness and step toward growth. Thank you 'metime' for helping me realize I am capable and deserving.

On a path to somewhere...

This blog started out as a collection of stories about taking the luxury of ME time... it has evolved in different directions and been a platform to ask big life questions and a place for feminist perspectives on men, work, friendships and life.

Evolution is a good thing.

This week I took a slice of me-time by coming home after a long day and putting some mud on my face. Oh a simple face mask is oh-so-girly but feels so good. As I sat with my green-tones, I talked to my friend about the men in my life. This wise lady told me that the older we get - the more men we date for shorter periods of time... Made my thought wheels turn. In some ways it makes a lot of sense because as we grow we have a better sense for what we want.

While this 'more men in less time' concepts is logical - it seems totally contradictory to what the social norms tell us. I see so many women my age in long term relationships and getting settled into the idea of being partnered for life and starting to think about bringing kids into the world. From these images of late-20's and early 30's it seems like the years of dating around and jumping from boy to boy should be behind me.

I guess these opposite realities just go to show we're all on different time-lines and moving towards different relationship-futures. Maybe the lesson learned for me is that I need to focus more on my own time-line and do less lusting after other people's trajectory.

I sleep with my blackberry

From the time we are born, people speculate as to our career possibilities. The nature of this question is rarely 'what will she do', rather 'what will she be'? As adults, we evolve and perpetuate this trend by categorizing people within the comfort of preconception. Some might call it stereotyping but the stigma attached to that word is not intended here.

When it comes to who I am, I've recognized that my identity is intrinsically intertwined with my career. The role I play at work is diverse, mostly secure, and geared toward my talents. I'm unnerved, however, when asked what I want to do next in that role. I had a plan five years ago and worked relentlessly to achieve my goals despite numerous barriers. Now I'm not certain how to distinguish between contentedness and happiness. I'm left most concerned that I seek these answers in a performance review. I only know that it matters. This thought process is exhausting and leaves me craving a sabbatical to reflect and explore something entirely new. Ah to day dream. Writing? A business? What would make me happy and proud? How do I get there? Or do I keep going in the same direction?

Completion. How foreign.

I was watching Julie and Julia last night. Unfortunately, there were some errors with Netflix which prevented me from finishing the second half but perhaps that is why an early part of the movie has stuck with me all night and morning: the concept of a ritual that brings pleasure but also consistency into one's life. I love how Julie likened her blogging/ cooking experiment to AA- one day at a time.

Lately I've noticed I start things in my personal life but rarely finish them. Cleaning my house, Pilates classes, bike riding, etc. On the one hand, I recognize that my diverse interests and ability to multi-task are strengths but, on the other, I need to self-discipline a bit. I don't like being flaky to my friends and I avoid that at most costs yet am so often flaky with myself. So today, I plan to finish cleaning/ organizing. No more putting things in boxes for another day. I've got Lady Gaga blaring in the background and a onesie on from the gap. I'm dancing and singing and really enjoying the mood. Wish me luck if you are listening.

Tomorrow I'll give more thought to a routine that is manageable but also full of pleasure. Any thoughts?

Enjoyment for the Short Term

Last night I hung out with my friend who's a PhD philosophy student. We talked about how Aristotle defines friendship into three categories - 1)Friends with a purpose (ex: networking) 2)Friends for pleasure (ex: friends with benefits) and 3) True friendship.

Thinking about this I'm realizing I've been experimenting with the many forms of friends for pleasure. It's something that I've never been comfortable with because I always wanted the emotional connection to go along with the physical bond. Maybe it's the catholic guilt in me that's kept me from having friendships for pleasure - or maybe it's my romantic notions. Whatever the reason I'm entering into previously unexplored territory and I'm seeking out relationships that fill a short term desire.

The men in my life lately have not inspired any great spiritual connection, but I've been able to have fun with them and let it end there. It's a difficult line to draw - strange to stop people from becoming 'real' relationships while keeping them at the friends-for-fun level.

I think this is a phase for me and not necessarily a pattern I plan on continuing for the long term, but it's been an interesting process. Like any new 'unexplored territory' I'm learning more about myself and the things I want from a partner.

Overall this limited connection is unsatisfying and soon I'll get bored and start to prefer being alone to having some immediate needs satisfied... but for now I'm trying to just enjoy... sometimes easier said than done!